I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
