there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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