I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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