Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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