What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
