WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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