Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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