ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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