So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
