i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
