I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
