I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
