I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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