the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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