Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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