my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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