I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
