i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
