his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
