he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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