I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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