I cannot find my penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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