at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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