Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
