How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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