apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
