he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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