I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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