i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
