my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
