Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize