Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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