my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
