i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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