I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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