I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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