Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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