Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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