Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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