I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
