Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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