i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Two words: nipple clamps
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