U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
