Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
