dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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