that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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