I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
