Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
