New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
