What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
