The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
