I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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