He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize