My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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