I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
