Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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