allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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