I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
