Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i've created a new STD.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
