i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
