May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
